So I've returned once again into the realm of darkness. Depression has hit and I'm filled with frustration and guilt. I'm not doing well at uni and I can't seem to absorb anything I read. I feel like my creativity has been stifled and my passion for higher education, extinguished. Once I was full of hope for a brighter future but now there's nothing but misery and loss.

I tell myself to keep holding on and hope for the best, to fight against the tides of fury that rages inside my head. That one day I will see the sun again and become the person that I used to be. When that day comes I'll get a rush and become a better person, making up for all this time that I'm losing to my inner demons.

I still  don't know whats wrong with me or understand why I feel this way. I just wish these worries would go away and I can concentrate on achieving my goals and getting back my passion.

I sit here helpless hoping that expressing how I feel inside will somehow ease the sense of hollowness that i feel within my chest, the weakness of my legs the tremble of my fingers. I just want a way out of this and I need it soon.

two more solid weeks before the exams start and I can barely remember what I've learnt or understood this entire lecture. What's worrying is I don't understand anything I read and everytime I try, I get furstrated and give up.

Today I will try again, and today I will succeed.

i hope

Hey Jason

I'm Sahdique - the guy who had issues with moving out! I was wondering when can I come by on Monday to have a chat with you? My apologies if this is very long winded, I just want to fill you in on the details.


TL:DR : Room mates giving me a hard time moving out, wants to hold onto my bond money till weeks after end of August. I intend to move out way before - Never signed any contract or made any agreement on this at all. Dilemma  as what to do right now because it's not easy getting a flat under $200 for me within the time period. 

So, I feel like my current room mates are taking advantage of me because I'm an international student and I am not familiar with all the laws that apply here. I'm currently living in the Voltz Apartments at Queen Street and am paying $200/ week which I agreed to make payment every 2 weeks on Tuesdays - Wednesdays. I found these guys on TradeMe and in their ad I was told that 2 weeks notice is needed before moving out and I have to put in a bond of 2 weeks - $400.

About a month ago or maybe more than that I was informed that they are moving to Napier to work so I have either the option of moving our or transferring their tenancy to my name and that I have till the end of August to decide. At this point I decided to begin searching for a flat to move to - I sent a message on Facebook saying : " 

• 4 July
• 

  04/07/2014 18:29

  Dique Dik

  Hey Abhi, if I were to find a place to move in say this week or next week. Would that be okay with you?

  Most of the flats on trademe are move in asap. Do let me know so I can arrange accordingly! ^-^
• 

  04/07/2014 19:07

  Dique Dik

  Actually nevermind.. I'll just keep looking, not much rooms are up on trade me at the moment.
• 8 July
• 

  08/07/2014 21:47

  Dique Dik

  Hey so just to confirm the moment I can find a place to stay I'll be moving out ya!?
• 9 July
• 

  09/07/2014 12:49

  Abhishek Ketkar

  Hi Shadique.. I do need a 4 weeks notice as I will need to find someone.. it was same for the prevvious guy as well..
• 9 July
• 

  09/07/2014 15:49

  Dique Dik

  what,.. you guys told me 2 weeks advanced notice now it's 4 weeks? Also do you know how ridiculous 4 weekssounds like for a student? How am I suppose to find a flat 4 weeks in advanced and someone who will only accept me from august - november. When you told me that I have up till end of august to find a new place, that would already be considered a notice for me to make my decision.

  I will have to talk to my tenancy counsellors at school and get back with you.
• 

  09/07/2014 15:52

  Dique Dik

  i have to move preferably before next term starts so i dont have to inconvenience myself.

They talked to me at home and told me that there was no need for me to rush out to move and I was like oh okay.. because I didn't know what to say. Basically at this point I was pretty lost as to what I have to do to move out because they kept pressuring me to stay. The second room mate spoke to me a couple days later telling me that I HAVE to pay till the 7th of August because it's part of their contract. But I argued that their contract should have nothing to do with me since I am liasing directly with them and not their land lord. I told him that I have to take care of my own interest as well, what would happen to me if I can't find a flat in time? I would be stranded here in Auckland with no home, I don't really know anyone.  He simply shrugged his head and asked me to speak to the first room mate - Abhi. I also argued that as long as I gave you 2 weeks notice that should suffice - He said well okay let's start from today: 29th July will be 2 weeks. So this week what I did was I paid only $200 instead of $400 because I wanted to secure my money just in case I find a flat on TradeMe that I could move out of. I was emailed by the first room mate: 

 Fri, Jul 18, 2014 at 2:58 PM

 

Hi Shadique,
Just wanted to request you to put the full anount of 2 weeks rent as you have only deposited $200 this week.
I know you have given bond but bond money is only back once the property manager checks the property and is ok with the cleanliness, maintenance etc.
It does take 2 to 3 weeks for bond ti come into my account after leaving the house,  which comes from Dept of Building and Housing,  New Zealand. And this happens in each case.
So as soon as the bond is returned I will transfer your amount to your account but you do need to pay rent until your last day. As the property manager needs some kind of money in hand till he completes the check.
Please let me know if you have any questions regarding the same.
Abhishek Ketkar

I started worrying because I don't understand why my bond is with the Dept of Building and Housing when I never signed anything that mentioned me handing my money to them in fact should my money not be with him instead of them? He is the main tenant not me and I'm a student I need my bond to be able to make a deposit for the next house, how do things work exactly?

I replied: 

• Today
• 

  04:31

  Abhishek Ketkar

  Hi Shadique, please check your gmail and reply.
• 

  04:32

  Dique Dik

  ill.reply.after.monday.i.need.to.talk.to.some.people.first
• 

  04:34

  Abhishek Ketkar

  Ok please do I asap, as I have paid for your half of rent.. coz as I said the bond is only back once they inspect the room.
• 

  05:21

  Dique Dik

  I need to talk to the accommodation officer at uni with regards to the bond as from what I'm aware I am to get my bond upon your inspection of my room as I made a deal with you not the landlord. Furthermore I need that bond to pay for my next place I can't let you keep it till god knows when.

  I will let you know what I'm entitled to and double confirm with you after I've checked with accommodation services. I don't get why you're transferring your agreement with your landlord to me, I never signed anything saying that the department of building will be keeping my bond. And I know your agreement with your land lord does not apply to me since i did not sign anything with the land lord or put my name anywhere in your contract with him.
• 

  05:28

  Abhishek Ketkar

  Dude once you stay in the house you become part of the contract.. contract isn't signed by all the residents and it is signed by only one person. you can talk to whoever you like..

  what if they cut some money for some reason? are you gna pay me as these costs are shared by everyone. also, as you need money for your next place, so do I.. I need to pay for my next place..
• 

  05:30

  Dique Dik

  That's your responsibility you're the main tenant. You will inspect my room and it will be returned in the same condition as it is when you gave it to me.

  Anyway I'll get back to you by Monday Kay afternoon
• 

  05:34

  Abhishek Ketkar

  I definitely want your room to be clean. And of course you must do some cleaning of the house before leaving.. as this was agreed that we would clean the house but probably you've done that only once...
• 

  05:40

  Dique Dik

  No worries, my rooms cleanliness won't be an issue. I'll help around the house if needed even though I don't really create much of a mess outside.
• 

  05:48

  Abhishek Ketkar

  Its not abt making mess.. common area are to be cleaned by any and everyone.. so I will need help in cleaning kitchen, toilet..

So now I'm basically stuck and confused and don't know what to do - I just want a new place but it seems that they're making their problem, my problem. I have absolutely nothing to do with the land lord and I'm pretty sure they didn't subject the previous occupant of my room to these unreasonable requirements. Please help me, I need some advice ><! Kind Regards Sahdique Mohamed ID: 6872002

Things to do!

Tomorrow
Wake up before 12 noon.
Head to Westpac Bank, - Sort out Bank statements and bring along Visa Application Form.
1:30pm - Doctor's appointment
2~pm - Proof of Auckland tuition fees payment
          - Print out Transcripts

          - Finalize Visa Application
_____- Bring Passport & Photo Id ______________________________________________________
Sorted out!

2pm onwards - Update CV and search SJS / TradeMe

It's my thoughts that keep me running and moving, when they're negative so is everythng that I am.

Making sense of my emotions

So research has recently discovered that what happens in the mind while one is high - is that there is a disinhibition in emotional perception and a inhibition in personal perception. As a result of this we feel like we've reached a new level of reality, a higher level of conciousness. But exactly how accurate is our emotions when we're high and how reliable can they be? Should I even trust my emotions?

I for one believe that your perception while high can be highly accurate and one may feel things that they could never while they were sober. It is this heightened perception to see things from other people's point of view that is affecting me the most. Sometimes its outright scary and weird. It reveals things to you that you probably would never want to actually know about.. I don't know if it's just paranoia but seeing the world from someone else's perspective is really frightening for me. To begin with I'd say I have really horrible personal and empathetic skills. So to realise that my understanding of the world around me is entirely different from everybody else is extremely scary.

In fact there is a danger in being good at seeing the point of view of others. It is possible to become so good at understanding the points of view of others that you forget your own point of view and wind up getting stepped on.

I guess I might sound a bit silly to most people but I always thought there was a "meta" for life. That life should be structured in a certain order with a heirarchical approach and I'm constantly pressuring myself to be as close as possible to that meta.
But I need to learn to let go of that kind of mentality, I need to release and free myself from these roots that are holding me down. I need to understand and feel comfortable that I think differently from other people and that I will never ever understand most people anyway so it's pretty pointless for me to keep worrying about it.


oh god, life is so upsetting..everything is so complicated for me.. maybe I'm just stupid and slow.. I don't know. A thousand questions, no answers.

Shoutout to MMM

<3 you very much and thank you for being with me through the rough times! I am so thankful to have someone like you in my life : )

Found some old passport photos that I could use for my immigration application. I'll wake up early tomorrow and hopefully I'll be able to make that phonecalls to SJS. After which I'll go apply for a job at this manpower centre and we'll see what happens :P
Fingers crossed, hopefully I can get some motivation and a reason to go back to being normal. 
:3 Tonight we puff and huff!

I have absolutely no clue what to do next... which is the total opposite of yesterday. Apparently it's a Saturday today and I can't call SJS to check on my application. They're closed! Fuck... I have absolutely 0 motivation and I really can't be arsed to move and do something.

Come to think about it I hate the holidays because I don't know what to do. This is bad... what happens when there's no more school? What happens when I'm going to enter into the game of life on solo queue? GG friends... I need to do something, I don't even know what I'm going to be doing for dinner.

I mean.. what's the point of doing something if you can't move.

It's been a very rough period for me. Isolation has never seemed this bad till you realise there's no one around you that you can connect with. I guess in order to tame the raging emotions within me it's best I write them out like I used to. Perhaps I might gain some clarity and organize myself better. Everything seems so messy right now, I don't really know what to do with my life and I'm constantly worrying. I set plans in my head that are never concrete with no fixed target date to accomplish them by.

Hopefully I expect blogging to be beneficial to my mental health and hopefully get myself back on track. I actually feel a bit better now, knowing that I'm actually doing something instead of confining myself at home with bad cigarettes, horrible computer games and quick food. I've set out a list of things that I have to accomplish and hopefully over this week I'll get started on them.

- Renewal of Student Visa
I need to fill out the application forms.
Get 2 passport photos taken.
Print out my academic transcripts.
Talk to parents about my fees

- Student Job Search
Oh the great financial problem! This one's a pain in the ass, I need the money and I need to make good use of my time but finding a job in New Zealand isn't as easy as I thought it would be.
Call SJS @ 8:30am to forward job application
Keep sending in applications
Try putting in an application for KFC.

- Finding a new home
Yes, I am to move out before the end of August but I'd rather do it now during the holidays than trouble myself during school days.
Check TradeME everyday!
Check e-mails everyday!

- Top up Phone
Trust me you'll definitely need it. If I ever get a job than yes, I think having my phone constantly topped up sounds like a good idea.

- Sort out courses for next semester
Big decisions, stuck in between going full Science or integrating Business.
Go see a planner
Talk to people

Alright, I guess that's all from me for today. I'll try and be faithful to this new blog as much as I can.

First off the list for tomorrow is to call SJS!
Secondly check TradeME

Thirdly go get my passport photo taken :D